Soulmate
by keir
Summary: If there was just one thing Kyou could wish for, it would be for someone to love him, but that is something that exists in the realm of impossibilities. The only thing he can do is watch Haru and Yuki with covetous eyes. Kyou-centric songfic.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Soulmate

Author: Keir

Rating: T for swearing/harsh language and sexual suggestion

The Gist of Things: If there was just one thing Kyou could wish for, it would be for someone to love him, but that is something that exists in the realm of impossibilities. The only thing he can do is watch Haru and Yuki with covetous eyes.

A/N: Kind of depressed/bummed lately. Decided to finish up this Kyou-centric songfic that's been sitting on my harddrive for ages. The song is Natasha Bedingfield's "Soulmate;" disclaimer that I don't own or have anything to do with the song.

_"italics" _= song lyrics

* * *

><p>"<em>Incompatible; it don't matter, though,<em>

'_cause someone's bound to hear my cry._

_Speak out if you do;_

_You're not easy to find."_

It was stupid of him to think about the same thing over and over, he knew, but it gnawed at his mind. For some reason it seemed to cloud his thoughts at every turn. He tried to put it aside and called the other man's name again as he trudged through the thick leaf fall on the street, orange and red and golden. And dejected, sad, crumpled brown. His shoe kicked up another splash of fall leaves, fingers fidgeting in the pockets of his jacket.

What did it matter, anyway? Life just was what it was without any explanation or meaning. It was just made more annoying by all the little things that got under your skin.

Kyou called the name again, ready to give up. He would have, too, if the person he was searching for wasn't his cousin. It wasn't like he cared; the other man always turned up. Eventually. People were staring at him in curiosity or annoyance as he disturbed their window shopping with his shouts. He averted his eyes. It wasn't like he cared about what anyone around him thought, anyway.

He took another deep breath and closed his eyes, shutting everything else out as he bellowed the name for the umpteenth time. "Haru!"

"Oh. Kyou."

The cat turned to find the younger male standing behind him with a little smile on his face. A thick red and brown scarf was wrapped around his neck, a gift from Tohru, and his coat looked warm and expensive. Kyou could tell by the designer quality that Yuki had probably bought it for the ox. The orange-haired man itched at feeling so inadequate in his ragged jacket. He fingered the hole in the left pocket.

Hatsuharu chuckled, oblivious to the cat's discomfort, and held up a leaf next to the older man's hair. "A perfect match," he teased as the two oranges blended together.

Kyou ducked away, frowning. "Where the hell have you been?"

"I saw something in the window that I thought Yuki might like, and then suddenly everyone was gone."

"That's because we kept walking, you idiot," the cat grumbled. "I've been looking for you for fifteen minutes. Let's go." He turned, glanced over his shoulder. "Stay close, you fat cow, so you don't get lost again."

"_Is it possible Mr. Loveable_

_Is already in my life?_

_Right in front of me,_

_Or maybe you're in disguise."_

Kyou stirred more cream into his coffee, which had turned from toffee to caramel to beige the more he dumped in. He leaned back in the booth, pressing himself against the wall so he could avoid touching Tohru, who sat next to him. He sipped carefully and let the hot liquid scorch his tongue. He wanted nothing more than to be outside in the chilly weather, smelling the fading leaves on crisp air. He wanted nothing more than to be out of the restaurant and away from people to clear his mind.

Hatsuharu and Yuki were sneaking glances at each other with little smiles and brushes of shoulder against shoulder. They spoke with Tohru animatedly about the new apartment they had purchased together, about the moving day.

"Kyou, you'll be there, right?" the brunette asked him suddenly. He glanced up, face blank.

"The moving day," Hatsuharu reminded him. "We could really use another pair of hands, especially someone who can lift heavy furniture."

The cat shrugged, tried to press himself harder against the wall as those grey eyes looked straight at him. "Yeah, I guess. Whatever." He looked out the window again, anything to avoid that stare, and burned his mouth with more coffee. How stupid of him to have some silly, juvenile crush. How utterly useless to be hung up on it as a grown man.

It seemed to him that everyone was finding someone to be with lately. It seemed to him that he was the only person without a special someone.

But…

Maybe he was just displacing feelings, he reasoned with himself. He tried to convince himself that maybe it wasn't that he had his heart set on anyone; maybe it was just that he wanted someone all for himself, someone who could understand him, even a little bit. To accept him without fear the way no one had ever been able to. He supposed he was just jealous of the way Yuki and Haru seemed to fit so well together, like soulmates. Maybe that meant there was someone out there just for Kyou.

He snorted into his coffee mug, earning a questioning look from Yuki. His unoccupied hand was fingering the beads at his wrist, a nervous habit; he forced himself to stop. He turned away again, avoiding that scrutinizing amethyst gaze. How stupid of him. Dreams were just dreams, after all. Most of them were nightmares. He had come to find long ago that things in his world were either hot or cold with no in-between. Love just happened to be one of those cold things.

"_Who doesn't long for someone to hold?_

_Who knows how to love you without being told?_

_Somebody tell me why I'm on my own_

_If there's a soulmate for everyone."_

Kyou felt all wound up, jittery inside, trapped. His leg bounced up and down interminably as useless chatter floated around him. His hand searched out the pack in his jacket pocket of its own volition before he remembered there was no smoking in the café. His fingers stroked the edge of the package as if it were a talisman.

He supposed he had begun smoking when he found out that Hatsuharu and Yuki were dating. The cigarette between his lips was somehow comforting, something real to hold onto. He remembered finding Shigure's abandoned pack in the kitchen; the dog must have left it there in a hurry when he discovered his editor was coming to visit. It had felt like the right thing to do, just him and a cigarette out back.

He had watched with covetous eyes that day as Yuki tilted his face up to receive Hatsuharu's kisses, pale hands placed gently on a slim waist. It seemed to him that the pair had been almost glowing in their love as they made out behind the school. He had realized guiltily that as he watched, he had almost let his eyes fall closed, lips quivering as he tried to understand what it might feel like to be kissed. It had shamed him into running away, back to the dog's house to find those abandoned cigarettes almost beckoning to him.

He smoked more, much more, later on. Packs and packs a day. It seemed to him that it was just stupid for the Cat to want someone to hold him like that, too.

Kyou turned in his seat, murmured a few words to the brunette next to him. She blinked in confusion but stood up to let him out of the booth nonetheless. His three companions looked at him quizzically and he made some excuse before throwing a few bills on the table.

"Ah, Kyou-kun, you only ordered coffee. This is too much!" Tohru protested, but the cat was already gone.

* * *

><p>"<em>Here we are again; circles never end.<em>

_How do I find the perfect fit?_

_There's enough for everyone,_

_But I'm still waiting in line."_

Kyou flicked the lighter, flicked it again. "Damn it," he muttered around the cigarette between his lips, peering at the uncooperative object in the dark.

"Smoking causes cancer, you know," a voice said behind him.

The cat forced himself not to jump out of his skin in surprise. He glanced over his shoulder with a scowl and returned to trying to light his cigarette. Finally the flame lasted long enough and he drew in a scorching lungful of smoke. "What the hell do you two want?"

"We missed you at the housewarming party last week." The ox stepped up with the rat to stand next to their cousin on the subway platform. Kyou glanced down to see their gloved fingers entwined.

"I was working," the cat said gruffly, puffing harder on his cigarette. His shoulders ached from working at the construction site all day; they had him hauling chunks of concrete. All he wanted was to get home, curl up and go to bed so he could go back to work again. He wouldn't even spare himself the luxury of a hot bath. "Goddamn train." He scuffed a shoe against the pavement.

"This train is always behind schedule," Hatsuharu offered, earning another scowl shot in his direction.

"That's true," Yuki agreed. "You must be working close this time, Kyou. I've never seen you waiting at this stop. Is it the apartment complex on Sendai you're at now?"

Kyou sighed, annoyed with himself. How could he be so stupid as to forget that the happy couple lived near this month's work location? "Yeah," he muttered.

"Maybe I could drop in with lunch for you some time. I heard that construction workers are some of the worst unhealthy eaters," the rat said with a smile.

Hatsuharu bumped shoulders with Yuki teasingly. "Yuki has been trying to learn how to cook. We're both helpless. The fridge is full of takeout boxes." That earned him a jab in the side from the grey-haired man's elbow. "Maybe we could eat at your place some time, Kyou, something that's not liable to kill us. Maybe next week?"

Kyou made a noncommittal sound as he finished his cigarette. He fished another from his pack, brought his lighter back out from his pocket. A shiver ran up his body, making the flame in his hand waver. "Goddamn cold," he growled viciously as he tried to light his cigarette again. Why didn't he ever remember to buy a winter coat? Maybe because the jacket reminded him of Shishou; it had been a present. He couldn't bear to part with that…

"Here," Hatsuharu said, unwinding his scarf from around his neck and trying to wrap it over Kyou's shoulders. The cat shoved him away, eyes wide.

Fingers had brushed him, fingers belonging to someone else. It was an awful feeling.

And it was wonderful.

"Fuck off, Haru!" He put needed distance between them; crimson eyes narrowed, the cat furious with himself for letting the ox get that close to him. He turned away from those unreadable pairs of grey and violet eyes. "I'm walking home!" Kyou hunched his shoulders against the cold in his thin jacket and headed for the exit.

"Kyou, that's over two miles away. Kyou? Kyou!"

Kyou ignored Yuki's desperate calls and jogged up the stairs and into the night. He hated the eyes on his back, taunting eyes under a thin veil of care. It wasn't like the Cat was loveable; he knew that. He had always been hated, feared. The Cat finding love was like trying to stick a square piece into a circle. The two just didn't fit.

He just didn't fit anywhere.

It seemed to him that he was just an utter fool. Why didn't he just get over it and move on? Six years and he still managed to act childish.

He would have liked to know how it felt to have arms wrapped around him, though. How it was to be cuddled close to someone to keep him warm…

The cat scoffed at himself. He sounded like such a pansy right now. It wasn't like he had ever needed anyone. He had always been self-sufficient because he had to be. He could take care of himself; he knew how to cook, what colors went together in the wash, how to take things apart and put them back together again.

"_Most relationships seem so transitory;_

_They're all good but not the permanent one."_

Shishou had taught him a lot about those kinds of things. He thought with regret how he had never managed to say "I love you" quite enough to his adoptive father. The traffic accident had erased any chance to make up for it.

A year after Hatsuharu and Yuki had started dating, Kyou had ended up alone in the world. Kazuma was dead and there was nothing he could do about it. The Cat just had to get used to being alone.

He blinked and brushed away haunting memories. It was very cold out and he had a long way to walk.

* * *

><p>"<em>Who doesn't long for someone to hold?<em>

_Who knows how to love you without being told?_

_Somebody tell me why I'm on my own_

_If there's a soulmate for everyone."_

Kyou set the last dish for his dinner guests down before taking his own seat. It had been a long week and he wanted nothing more than to feed them so he could shove them back out the door. It was the first time he had actually cooked a meal in a long while now that he thought about it; he had just been living off prepackaged meals from the convenience store. Thankfully Hatsuharu and Yuki had had the insight to bring ingredients with them because Kyou hadn't had any food stocked in his fridge or pantry for months now.

Not that he would ever be caught dead thanking either of his cousins for anything. Ever.

"It looks good, Kyou," Hatsuharu complimented.

"Yes, it smells delicious. Thank you for having us over," Yuki said, smiling at the cat.

Kyou shrugged, looking away with a scowl; he was his usual irascible self. The ox and the rat shared a look over the table, and finally Hatsuharu shrugged and began to dish some food out for himself.

"Have you thought about decorating yet, Kyou? I think with a little paint your apartment would feel a bit more cozy. I'm sure none of us would mind helping out," Yuki said, trying to make small talk.

The cat shrugged again, shoving more food into his mouth so he wouldn't be expected to answer. He had lived in the same rental for over a year now and he had no plans to change any of it. He wasn't the type to slap some cheerful paint on the walls and buy comfy furniture. He ate and slept there, nothing more, nothing less. He tried to ignore any attempts at conversation by answering only in monosyllables or with noncommittal shrugs.

As the meal wound down, he swiftly gathered up dishes and ferried them into the kitchen, wanting to avoid dealing with the two lovers as much as possible. Secretly he hoped they were just fed up with his hostility by that point and would make their courtesies and leave, but it was a futile hope. Yuki surprised him by coming to stand at his shoulder; the cat jerked away to avoid any unwanted—no, desperately wanted—contact. The rat set a couple more dishes into the sink that the cat was filling with sudsy water.

"I should help you with that, Kyou. You're the one who made us dinner, after all. The least I can do is help you clean up."

The cat looked at the rat out of the corner of his eye, then shifted so he could see the ox over his shoulder. Hatsuharu was sipping his tea and staring into space with a bored expression, which made him no less beautiful, but Kyou knew better. The black and white-haired man was probably more than aware of any conversation going on between the cat and the ox's own lover. Kyou frowned and studiously avoided any eye contact as his hands delved into the scalding water and began scrubbing. "Just dry the dishes," he instructed gruffly.

Yuki smiled and picked up the dishtowel laying by the sink. Kyou scowled down at his hands as he scoured a dish harder than necessary, so hard that his shoulders ached with tension. When had Yuki started smiling at him and being so nice? It irked him; it made it harder for him to be short-tempered toward his nemesis. The cat passed the rat the first plate to dry, his fingers going lax in surprise and almost dropping it as the grey-haired man's own fingers brushed his. He thought his heart had stopped and he held his breath, but Yuki didn't seem fazed by it as he toweled the plate off.

That's right, Kyou thought; Yuki was used to touching other people and being touched. That sort of thing was commonplace for him. Such a little thing held no special meaning for the other man.

Kyou went back to scrubbing the dinnerware vigorously, but before he knew it there was nothing left for him to do. He stared down at his soapy hands as the water drained from the sink.

"Kyou?" Yuki was leaning over, trying to look him in the face. "Are you okay?"

"_Who doesn't long for someone to hold?_

_Who knows how to love you without being told?_

_Somebody tell me why I'm on my own_

_If there's a soulmate for everyone."_

The cat felt a jolt of pain run up through his ribs and into his heart. He knew he had been staring off with some pathetic sad look on his face. "I'm fine," he grunted, ripping the towel away from the rat, who looked so sweetly concerned. He savagely rubbed his hands dry until they were chafed and raw. He didn't miss the speculative glance the grey-haired man gave his lover over his shoulder.

"Kyou..." Yuki said softly. "Is everything all right?"

"I said I'm fine!" the cat shouted. Both men were staring at him now and he could feel it like ants crawling along his skin.

Yuki hesitated then said, "I've been meaning to ask you something, Kyou, but we don't spend as much time together now. When you're around me and Haru, you act...differently." Violet eyes stared hard at the cat's face. "I wanted to know if..." Yuki paused and looked back at Hatsuharu as if for encouragement; the cat didn't know what passed between them since he couldn't see the ox's face. "Does it make you uncomfortable that Haru and I are together?"

Kyou kept his eyes on his hands. The rat actually sounded...vulnerable. It didn't take a genius to know that he, and maybe Haru as well, had been thinking about the question a lot. Were they worried about what Kyou thought of them? His heart picked up at the idea before he suppressed it. He was being stupid again, making connections where there were none with his hopeless fantasies.

Still... His mind was filled with thoughts of how he would blurt out his held-in confession, and then it would be followed by some sort of revelation, and then somehow it would lead to hands touching him and lips kissing him and pleasured gasps in the night.

The cat growled at himself, hands clenching into fists where they rested on the edge of the sink. He was so desperate it made him sick.

"Kyou?"

The orange-haired man shut his eyes. Yuki sounded so worried; he hadn't ever heard his rival seem concerned about him or his opinions. He swallowed as he savoured that one tiny moment of feeling cared about.

It made what he was about to do so much worse, but it had to be done, he reasoned. This had to stop. Kyou didn't want to disillusion himself any more. It would be easier, so much easier, if they just left him alone, if he never had to see them again. He steeled himself.

"That's right," he said, voice low and hoarse. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Yuki staring at him, his brow gently furrowed. "I can't stand the sight of the two of you. It makes me sick." The muscles in his back tensed at the sound of Hatsuharu's chair scraping against the floor. He could imagine the rising anger in the ox. He took a few short breaths, centering himself for a fight.

Kyou shifted so that both of the other men were in his vision, his back to the counter. He was hemmed in now as Hatsuharu approached them. His hackles rose as he was sized up by grey eyes. The ox cocked his head as he stared into crimson eyes. His pale hand reached out to brush his fingers over Yuki's. "Is that really how you feel?" Hatsuharu asked with a frown.

Something about the way Hatsuharu gave voice to the question, as if he had expected a different answer and doubted the sincerity of the cat's words, made Kyou's heart hammer with panic. How was he supposed to concentrate on ruining everything when the both of them were staring at him like that? He had to make it worse, much worse, and fast; he let his mouth run away with him as his mind reiterated over and over that it was necessary, that the Cat never found love, that he was stupid because Yuki and Haru already loved each other. "I know it's hard not being able to be with a girl like _that_, but..." He tried to muster every little bit of self-hatred he had and willed it to show in his face as loathing. "But choosing to be with another _guy_... That's the worst. Of course it makes me sick!"

"Kyou, you don't understand," Hatsuharu said, voice pained. "If you would just let us talk to you about it..."

The cat snarled; he didn't want to hear about falling in love and soulmates and not being alone. The two of them had each other and that was more than Kyou had and he was so very, very jealous and needy. Everything was unraveling around him, his resolve and his self-composure. It had to end, all of it had to end. He reached for the most hate-filled thing he could think of.

"I get it; you buttfuck each other! I don't need a fucking explanation from you, faggot!"

The silence before the fist met his face made the sound of it resound louder. Kyou's teeth cut the inside of his cheek as it was forced against them; he leaned against the counter for support, feeling dizzy. He turned and spat blood into the sink.

Yuki's cheeks were flushed with outrage, his breathing hard. Hatsuharu had a hand on his lover's shoulder, holding him back, murmuring soft words to him that only the two of them could hear. "Every time someone tries to do something nice for you, you just have to throw it back in their face! I only wanted to make things better between us because Tohru suggested it. You're pathetic," Yuki spat, seething with hatred and scorn. "Kazuma would be ashamed of you. No wonder everyone abandons you!"

Kyou sucked in a harsh breath as the barb struck home, but it was no less than he deserved. His eyes fell shut as he tried to contain the throbbing pain. "Just get out," he hissed. His head still rang from the rat's blow. Yuki turned on his heel to leave and Hatsuharu followed soon after, though he paused briefly to stare searchingly at the cat for a few moments. Kyou refused to look him in the eye and soon the two lovers were both gone.

Kyou sank to the ground with exhaustion, hands shaking. Blood continued to well in his mouth, stinging his tongue with coppery bitterness. He closed his eyes and let the shame and tears overtake him.

There was no such thing as a soulmate for the Cat.

"_If there's a soulmate for everyone..."_

* * *

><p>AN: After think about it and talking to a couple of readers, we are all upset about the ending, so there will be at least one more chapter, I imagine with a happy ending because everyone loves happy endings~_  
><em>


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Soulmate

Author: Keir

Rating: T for swearing/harsh language and sexual suggestion

The Gist of Things: If there was just one thing Kyou could wish for, it would be for someone to love him, but that is something that exists in the realm of impossibilities. The only thing he can do is watch Haru and Yuki with covetous eyes.

A/N: I have been working on some other things but I put them aside for a bit to finish this story out. I got news last week that a couple family members are not doing so well, so I really wanted to take something that started out bitter and turn it sweet. Honestly, I was surprised by the direction my brain took with the ending to this story, so hopefully you all still find it enjoyable. :)

* * *

><p>Kyou cupped a hand around the tip of his cigarette and lit up. His hands were chapped with cold, rough and dry. The seasons had turned quickly, faster than expected, and winter had hit with a freezing bite.<p>

"God, Sohma, give it a rest!" heckled one of his coworkers.

Kyou scowled and picked up the handles of his wheelbarrow, lifting his heavy load of scraps for the dumpster with a grunt. "I'll give it a rest when I'm dead," he retorted around his cigarette. The men around him laughed and talked about how that might be sooner than later.

"Sohma!"

The cat swiftly tamped out the cigarette that wasn't supposed to be lit while he was on site. "Yeah, boss?" He braced for the lecture that happened at least once a week about his smoking while on the job. He had no doubt they would have fired him long ago for his disregard of policy if he weren't their hardest working employee.

"There's someone here to see you. Make it quick; you're on the clock. And for the last time, no more smoking on the job!"

His mind refused to work for a moment, completely stunned by the words. "Wait!" he finally shouted at the other man's retreating backside. "Who is it?"

"Said the name was Haru." The foreman tapped his watch grumpily and left.

Kyou stood, heart hammering and fingers going numb as his coworkers chattered around him. "Someone to visit Sohma?"

"Maybe it's his girlfriend," someone suggested followed by a round of guffaws.

"Sohma with a girlfriend? He's too grumpy!"

"And a workaholic. No girl would put up with that shit!"

"Fuck off!" Kyou growled, trying to hold onto his anger so he wouldn't drown in fear. "It's just my cousin, assholes."

"Wait, I thought you were an orphan."

"Three years and I haven't even heard one word about him having family," one of them muttered.

"Hey, is your cousin hot? Put in a good word for me with her!"

Kyou scowled at the laughing men jostling each other. Usually he just shrugged off their jests; they always liked to pick on him. Now, though, he was completely on edge. "Get back to work and mind your own damn business!" he shouted gruffly.

Each step across the site, debris crunching beneath his steel-toed boots, made his heart feel like it would stop. He felt light-headed with nerves. The lovey-dovey couple had not talked to him in a few weeks and he had, of course, not done anything to dissuade them from their silence. Why was Haru showing up at his work? Nobody had ever stopped by to visit before. And why now? His tongue briefly touched the healed-over split in his lip that Yuki had given him last time they had seen each other. Everything had been fine, just fine in those silent weeks. There were only a few days left at this site before they would move on to a new location and Kyou could only pray that their new project would be far, far away from the district of Sendai.

A flash of white hair caught his eyes as he went to turn a corner and he did a double take. There was his younger cousin standing beneath some scaffolding, hands in his pockets as he stared up at the newly renovated apartment complex. Kyou strode over to him in swift, angry steps. "What the hell are you doing!" His stomach flip-flopped when the other man looked over his shoulder at him. "You're not allowed in here!"

Hatsuharu turned, each of his slow exhalations of breath showing as a white cloud. "I didn't know if you would actually come so I was looking for you, but I got distracted." His eyes raked over the cat, making the older man uncomfortable. "Why aren't you wearing gloves? It's cold out."

Kyou scowled and ignored the question. "You could have waited a few minutes. I'm at work; I'm busy." He waited for the ox to say something, but the man was silent. Kyou sucked freezing air into his lungs. "What do you want?"

"To talk."

"No shit," the cat said scathingly. His hands dug into his pockets for the familiar pack only to realize that he had just wasted his last cigarette. When the ox was silent again, he sighed in exasperation. "About _what_?"

"About the things you said."

Kyou scowled, moving to turn away. "I don't have time for this shi—"

The cat grunted as his back hit a wall. One pale hand was pushed against his shoulder, pinning him down. Grey eyes bored into him. Kyou's pulse raced as his senses became hyper-aware and his body responded shamefully. He could feel the heat radiating from the hand on him, smell the cologne on the other man; he was aware of a gathering crowd of onlookers keeping their distance, jostling each other and making jokes.

"Ten bucks says the cousin takes him."

"You're on. C'mon, Sohma, hit him!"

"Wonder what Sohma did to piss him off."

"Maybe he fucked his girlfriend!"

Kyou clamped his teeth shut so tightly at the bawdy comments that his jaw ached. He exhaled through his nose as he met grey eyes head on. "Hit me."

The ox blinked, face ever neutral. "Why?"

The cat was so tired of this charade, of all the false hopes and feelings, and he knew what the other man really desired. "Because it's what you came here to do, isn't it? Because it's what they want to see." He let all the foolish emotions bleed from him, wrapped himself in self-loathing. It would be easier if the ox would just do it. "Punch me and get it over with; I have work to do."

Hatsuharu's lips turned down slightly at the corners. "Why would they want to see me punch you?"  
>Kyou scowled at the earnest question. "Because they hate me, you freaking idiot. Are you going to do it or not? I'm not going to stand here all day."<p>

The ox seemed almost offended. "But why would they hate you?"

How stupid could he be? Had he forgotten that he was talking to _the Cat_? Kyou snarled and shoved the other man away from him. "This is useless." His heart hurt so badly. "I'm going back to work!" A hand grabbed his arm and he whipped around with a growl. "What!"

"We still haven't talked. When is your lunch break?"

Kyou yanked his wrist back. "I already took a break. Go away."

"Then when is your next day off?"

"I don't take days off. _Go away._" Why did the other man have to hound him? Why wouldn't he just let it go?

"You must have a weekend," said the ox, unwilling to back off.

"What don't you understand? I don't take days off!" the older man reiterated.

Hatsuharu tilted his head, brow furrowed, but he held off asking how that was possible at his cousin's scowl. "I'll leave, but only if you agree to talk to me tonight. I'll come over to your apartment."

"Absolutely not!" Kyou hissed. The last thing he wanted was his tall, svelte cousin in his home. Alone with him. Besides the obvious problems he would be unable to relax after work and he didn't know if he would be able to keep his composure.

"Then we can talk now. Or we can talk at your place tonight."

The cat frowned, looked away. His younger cousin was backing him into a corner and he knew how stubborn Hatsuharu could be. "Fine, as long as you fuck off."

"All right."

Kyou waited a moment but the black and white-haired man made no move. "What the hell are you waiting for?" he snapped.

Hatsuharu's face remained indifferent as he replied, "I seem to have forgotten where the exit is." He reached out a hand. "Will you lead me out?" He studied the cat's face: the shock, the anger, the embarrassment. Kyou was his usually readable self, but Hatsuharu could sense some sort of hesitation lately, some sort of fear. He thought it most assuredly had something to do with himself and Yuki. Though Kyou seemed to suddenly be professing homophobia, the ox was interested in testing his limits. "You used to help me find my way all the time," he reminded, voice soft.

Kyou swallowed, feeling sick. He hesitated, trying to shore up his courage. Why did it always have to be like this? Why were they always taunting him? He grunted, an angry sound of frustration, eyes unable to meet the other man's as his hand reached out and grasped the ox's wrist in an iron grip, hard enough to bruise. He dragged the other man roughly off the property to the sound of his coworkers' laughter.

–

Kyou tried to busy himself to help with his nerves, vigorously wiping down the kitchen counter. Hatsuharu sat at the dining table, blowing on his tea before taking a careful sip. "Aren't you going to sit down?"

The cat studiously avoided looking at his cousin. "You came here to talk, so talk." He couldn't stop himself from scathingly adding, "I'm sure Yuki is at home waiting for you."

"Mm. I told him I would be working a bit late tonight. He doesn't think we should talk to you until you apologize." He paused but the cat said nothing to the statement. "I've just been wondering... You and Yuki have always known how to hurt each other best. I've wondered if that's what you're trying to do." Grey eyes noted the way the older man had been scrubbing at the same spot on the counter for a minute now. "Something like homosexuality never seemed to bother you in high school, though I suppose I could be wrong..."

"You are wrong!" Kyou snapped. When he realized he had turned to confront Hatsuharu he slammed his mouth shut so hard that his teeth clicked together. He hated how the ox stared at him as he sipped his tea. Nothing would please him more than to wipe that blank look off his face. "Yuki and I always fight. So what?" The clink of the tea cup against the platter seemed ten times louder than it should be.

"I just want the truth. I want everything to be okay between you and us."

Kyou glared at the floor. He wanted everything to be all right too, but he wasn't stupid like the ox; he knew better than to hope for a happy ending. A hundred emotions were roiling in his gut, fighting to get out, but he couldn't let that happen.

"If you would just tell me what's really bothering you, I'm sure we could work something out. It doesn't have to be like this." The silence from the cat stretched on. "Kyou..."

It hurt so much to keep the words inside; he wished he could just be free of the pain. "If..." The orange-haired man paused to gather himself. "If I tell you something, you have to promise to leave."

"Why? We need to talk."

"Then get out now!"

Hatsuharu considered it a moment, and though the last thing he wanted to do was leave things up in the air, Kyou was being too aggressive to argue with. "I suppose I can agree to that."

"And never try to contact or see me again."

The ox sat silent for a moment, feeling he must have misunderstood. "That... That's too much to ask, Kyou. I don't know why you're so scared..."

"Then you can get the hell out!" the cat snarled, turning his back.

Hatsuharu stood, leaving his half-full teacup to cool. "I only wanted to help, Kyou. We're family." When the cat said nothing the ox sighed. "I'll leave then." Kyou walked him to the door, avoiding looking at him.

But before the door could shut on him, the younger man said, "Wait." The cat paused, scowling at the door frame. "What if I promise to give you space for a month? No phone calls, no visits."

Kyou shifted his weight. "Six months," he replied gruffly. If he could just buy some time maybe the other man would realize there was nothing good about him and that life was better off without him in it.

"Three months," Hatsuharu argued. "And that's the best you'll get from me."

"Fine, three months." The cat fidgeted, trying not to panic; fear was constricting his throat. "I..." He clenched a fist to keep himself from trembling because all the words were trying to burst out of him at once. He just couldn't bring himself to look in the ox's eyes. "I've been jealous for a long time. Of you and Yuki. Sometimes looking at you makes me feel lonely." Without ceremony he shut the door in the stunned ox's face and turned the lock home. Thousands of words were fluttering like butterflies in his throat but he couldn't set them free.

–

The cat sat down on the familiar freezing bench, the ads plastered to the back of it peeling off. He had just returned from the corner store with a couple new packs of cigarettes filling his jacket pockets. He brought one to his lips, lit up, and stared out at the street of the shopping district with dull eyes. It was the same thing every year. People were always walking by—families, businessmen, teenagers—without a care in the world. People who were just living average, daily lives. He envied that. Nothing had ever been normal for him. He had come into this world only to be feared and hated as soon as he was born, even by his own mother.

His fingers were stiff with cold, but he couldn't be bothered to care. Shishou had always taught that you had to learn to take the pain and work through it because a real opponent wouldn't be waiting for you to recover. The pain was meant only to make you stronger.

His hand spasmed and the cigarette snapped. For a moment he had imagined he could hear his adoptive father's voice, but of course that stupid. He crushed what was left of the smoke in his hand and threw it into the waste bin near him then fished out another and lit up again. It was after noon and he had been through at least three packs so far. He had watched the sun rise from this bench and he would watch it set and still he would not move. It was a ritual now.

A few minutes passed before he noticed them. They were across the street, talking and holding hands as they walked. They were smiling. Kyou felt a pang go through his chest which quickly turned to trepidation. They were crossing the road, heading toward him, but he didn't think they had seen him yet. He pushed up his hood, covering his distinct orange hair, and hunched forward. He had hoped they would walk by but they came to stand beside the bus stop bench. He waited in suspense, silently praying, but luck was not on his side.

"Kyou?"

The cat's muscles drew taut, free hand clenching. He dragged in a carcinogenic puff to fortify himself before turning to the side. They were both as beautiful and perfect together as ever, and he still longed for something impossible. "Yuki. Haru." The ox nodded at him, remaining silent, true to his word. The rat frowned in disapproval when the cat took another puff, hand waving through the air to dispel what little smoke moved his way when the orange-haired man exhaled.

"I see you still have your bad habit." Yuki pressed his lips together tightly. Kyou grunted and turned his gaze back to the road. "And you still lack manners." The barb failed to rile the cat. Yuki scowled. "Are you even going to apologize for the things you've said, stupid cat?"

Kyou finished his cigarette, tamped it out and lit another. "No." There was no point in apologizing; why would he want to fix what he had purposely broken?

The rat moved as if to strike and the ox held his lover back, but the cat had made no move to defend himself. Hatsuharu shook his head and held one of the grey-haired man's hands between his own. "Why are you even here? You don't live close," the rat snapped, voice thrumming with hostility.

"Waiting," Kyou said. Normally he would reply with some sarcastic comment and they would fight, but he didn't have the energy. The short response only seemed to irritate Yuki further and the minutes were filled with an awkward silence.

When the bus pulled up, the rat paused as he was boarding, blocking Hatsuharu's path. "Aren't you getting on?" he asked the cat, who had made no move to stand.

"No."

"Didn't you say you were waiting?"

"Yes."

The answer only served to fuel the rat's anger. Kyou heard him mutter "useless idiot" before he disappeared. Hatsuharu looked back at him with those big, stupid, sad cow eyes and the cat looked away. He didn't need or want the other man's pity. Soon enough the ox was gone too and the bus pulled away.

There hadn't been enough words,would never be enough words, to explain what he was waiting for. He was waiting for time to reverse so he could go back and change things. He was waiting to be the one who kissed Yuki or to be the one kissed by Haru. He was waiting for parents that loved him. He was waiting to be the one that finally won. He was waiting for there to be a purpose in life.

But most of all, right now, he was waiting to hear Shishou's voice again, to see him smile and feel his approval. It had been six years since Kazuma had died on that very street. He had been using the crosswalk when a driver had lost control on the ice. Kyou was waiting as he did every year on that day but nothing ever changed.

He tamped out his cigarette and lit another.

–

The doorbell rang over and over and over and over. Kyou felt his brain throb with every sound and he didn't think he could take it much longer. Next came the pounding at the door which set off an unbearable pounding three times louder in his head. His breathing was laboured, sides heaving and heart beating fast. He kept commanding his body to move but it wouldn't respond. Everything ached so abominably.

The sound of the key scraping in the lock made his ear twitch but he just couldn't move. Footsteps followed the door opening and Kyou felt fear churn that it was his landlord; the place was an absolute wreck. He wasn't supposed to smoke in here and he would be able to smell it. He wasn't supposed to...

"Kyou?"

His heart beat unbearably fast, so fast he thought it would just give out any second. The voice tickled his memory but it was so hard to think straight when everything hurt so badly. "Kyou?" The apartment's owner watched as small feet in little white socks tip-toed around the mess on the floor. "Kyou-kun, are you here?"

The voice suddenly registered. The orange-haired man felt hot all over and his body still refused to respond. The barest pitiful cry worked its way from his mouth. First he saw knees and then hands and then a pair of brown eyes in a sweet face, widened in shock. "Kyou-kun!" The Cat was himself a cat. He was wedged beneath the futon he used as a sofa by day and a bed by night, the instinct to hole up while he was weak having kicked in.

After he had stayed on the bench for his twenty four hour vigil he had woken up sick the next day. As soon as he had tried to sit up his head had set to spinning and then the change had happened in a familiar puff of smoke. He had tried to call out to work but his paws were too big for the buttons on his Blackberry; after misdialing a few times he had given up. In the two days since then he had torn his apartment apart in a whirlwind of frustration, raging at his situation as he ripped apart towels and dirty clothes from the hamper, which had only made it worse as he exhausted his already weak body. In that time he hadn't been able to eat properly and he had become overcome by his illness, near delirious with fever.

"Oh, Kyou-kun." Small hands wrapped around his chest just behind his front legs and pulled him out from his dark hiding spot. His furred body was pulled close to someone who felt cold by comparison, and gentle arms encircled him, holding him close to the other man's chest. He felt protected for the first time in ages. "Don't worry, Kyou-kun; I'll take care of you," Momiji murmured.

The cat let himself slide into darkness.

–

Kyou woke to the smell of something cooking. He opened tired eyes to see that the mess had been picked up and his small apartment returned to its normal level of cleanliness. He was nestled on his pillow, blankets heaped on top of him. When he shifted he discovered that his whole body still ached. His house guest was just setting out plates. "Momiji," he mumbled weakly.

Brown eyes looked up and a sunny smile spread across the rabbit's face. "Kyou-kun! I'm so glad you're awake."

"How long...?" His throat felt raw and his mouth dry.

"You've been asleep for at least a day and a half." The younger man began to dish up the meal he had prepared. "I wanted to take you to the hospital but you were...stuck." The rabbit brought their plates to the futon instead of the table and settled himself on the floor. "I'm really worried that you haven't changed back yet." His face was earnest.

Kyou closed his eyes to avoid that gaze. He had been stuck in his second form for almost five days; it was an unheard of amount of time. He had to fight down the panic by distracting himself. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"When you didn't show up for work for a couple days and they couldn't get hold of you, they called your emergency contact. Then Haru called me because he said he made a promise to you, which I didn't understand, but he asked me to come check on you, and so I did, and when I found you like that I told Haru to tell your work that you were really, really sick and then they said that was okay because you have a lot of sick days saved up."

Kyou marveled at the younger man's ability to talk for so long without drawing breath. He hated that at least two people—and maybe three if Haru had told Yuki—knew about his weakness.

"Eat up, Kyou-kun. You're going to need it to regain your strength."

The cat eyed the rabbit's concoction of eggs, mushrooms, tomatoes, peppers and sausage; his stomach roiled, though whether from queasiness or hunger he wasn't sure. He stared so long that the rabbit gazed at him, unsure. "Do you not like it? I could make you something else."

Kyou would have scowled if it had been possible. "I need you to turn around."

Momiji cocked his head, face conveying his curiosity. "Why?"

The cat kneaded the pillow with his claws, humiliated by his situation. "I don't want you to watch me eat in this form." The rabbit looked like he might protest but then he turned his back. Kyou made quick work of the food once he realized he was famished, though he still felt ruffled with embarrassment. "Can I have some water?"

"Oh, yes!" The younger man whisked their plates away and returned with a cup of water. At Kyou's sardonic stare he realized his error. "Oops! Sorry!" He poured the contents into a bowl instead and turned his back while the cat drank. After he had had his fill the cat rested his head between his paws. Even though he had only been awake less than an hour he was already tired again. His eyelids were drooping shut when movement on the bed startled him. The rabbit had climbed onto the futon and was shimmying beneath the covers. "What the hell are you doing!"

"Going to bed," the rabbit answered. "You seemed tired."

"You can't sleep with me!" Kyou's fur stood on end.

Momiji pouted. "But I have been the past couple days."

"You—!" Kyou tried to rein in his temper. "Why would you..." He couldn't bring himself to say it.

"But Kyou-kun, where else would I sleep?"

The cat knew the rabbit was right but that didn't mean he had to like it. Still, he did owe the younger man for taking care of him. "Fine," he grumbled. "But stay on your side!" He watched as the little blonde curled up beneath the covers.

Momiji looked over at the older man and gave him a sweet, sleepy smile. "Goodnight, Kyou-kun."

Kyou bristled and looked away, but eventually he said a brusque, "'Night." He stole another glance at the angelic blonde before closing his own eyes and falling into a deep sleep.

–

He woke to disappointment; he was still stuck in his second form, and more pressing still, he desperately needed to relieve himself. He stretched all the way down to his tail and leaped to the floor. Unfortunately his reflexes were off and he was still weak; he stumbled and fell to his side.

"Kyou-kun!" Momiji's socked feet came pattering across the floor.

"Don't!" the cat hissed before small hands could touch him. Kyou stood on four shaky feet. "I'm fine. I just need to use the bathroom."

"Oh! Umm..." The rabbit fidgeted. "Should I get a litter box or do you have one or...?"

The cat's lips pulled back to bare thin, needle-like fangs. "Are you stupid! I can use the toilet!" He immediately regretted his harsh tone at the younger man's hurt look. "Sorry. I'll be right back." Once he was done in the restroom he found the rabbit finishing cooking breakfast. "Look, I'm sorry about what I said. I'm just not used to...people."

"That's okay, Kyou-kun. I didn't mean to offend you."

Even though Momiji said he was fine the cat could tell that the energetic spark had dulled in him. "Let me make it up to you. Whatever you want."

"Really?" the rabbit asked with his usual enthusiasm.

Kyou fidgeted under that sweet stare. "Of course," he said gruffly.

The blonde nibbled his lower lip. "Can I watch you eat?" He asked the question in a hushed voice as if it were about the most forbidden thing in the world.

"What?" the cat asked, confused by the request. "No!"

"But you said anything!" Momiji pouted, eyes wide.

Kyou shifted uncomfortably. He had been thinking more along the lines of buying a present for the little blonde, but Momiji had taken him completely by surprise. "...I guess." Kyou couldn't quite understand why the other man had such a sunny smile over something so _stupid_. Nevertheless, he had made a promise.

They ate at the table, though Kyou crouched on the top of it rather than sitting in a chair. He ate delicately, unused to this body; his teeth were no longer flat and good for gnashing, and it took some adjustment. The rabbit stared at him without compunction, a bemused smile on his face. It exasperated the cat. "What?"

Momiji rested his face on his palms, elbows on the table. "You just look so cute!"

Orange fur stood on end. "What the hell does that mean?"

"I just think you look cute as a cat is all. I mean, don't you think I look cute when I'm a bunny? Everyone always says so!"

Kyou felt disgruntled at the thought as he finished his meal. He came to the conclusion that he shouldn't take the rabbit's words too seriously; everything was "cute" to him. Momiji cleared his plate with a smile when he was finished and the cat tried not to notice.

The rest of the day was spent in and out of consciousness, his sensitive ears filled with the sound of his small television or Momiji's humming and chatter. It was all so strange in his normally silent apartment, but it was...nice.

That night he woke shivering; the covers had been pulled from over him. Glowing red cat eyes studied a sweet, serene face slack with sleep. He hesitated, knowing the rabbit wouldn't begrudge him, yet feeling awkward and guilty. Eventually the small orange form ventured beneath the covers, settling close to Momiji but not touching him. The younger man radiated warmth that chased the chill from the cat. Kyou curled up beneath the sheets, as close as he had ever been to purring, and let the heat lull him back to sleep.

–

Kyou jolted awake, internal clock shouting an alarm at him that he was late. Sunlight was just beginning to filter through the apartment's single window, which meant it was somewhere around eight in the morning; all he could think was that he would be late for work. More distressing, though, was the fact that he was face-to-face, mere inches away, from Momiji. With the shock it took him a moment to realize that he had finally regained his human form. He stared at the other man, feeling odd, and then the rabbit shifted. Guiltily the cat startled and fell backward.

The orange-haired man was nursing a sore rump when wide brown eyes peered over the edge of the bed. "Kyou-kun, you're not a cat any more!"

"No shit," Kyou growled as he stood. He stretched, glad to be human again. There was something so demoralizing about always being so low to the ground. When he looked down he caught the rabbit staring at what hung between his legs. "What the hell are you looking at?" he asked gruffly.

Momiji jumped, face flushing. "Oh, I just... I mean... I'm going to make breakfast!"

Kyou raised a brow as the hyperactive blonde bounced off the bed. His own nudity wasn't something he cared about but it seemed to trouble the rabbit so he went in search of some boxers. "Don't bother making any for me." When he turned he caught the younger man glancing at his backside, still blushing. "I'm going to work."

"But—!" Momiji bounced on the balls of his feet. "But it's the weekend! And you're still not fully recovered!"

Kyou shrugged. "I have a second job. I have bills to pay." He arrowed in on the closest pack of cigarettes and lit one, much to the rabbit's dismay.

"You can't do that in here!"

"My apartment, pipsqueak." He indulged in a long puff before he began pulling on his jeans.

"Please, Kyou-kun, don't go! Just wait one more day!" Momiji begged, clasping his hands together. "Please?"

Kyou eyed the rabbit, who looked almost distressed. He didn't know why the younger man seemed to care so much, but those big brown eyes were just _staring_ at him and he immediately caved under the pressure. "_Fine_," he growled. "But I need to make some phone calls, so don't bother me while I'm talking!" The smile he received was enough to turn the tables and make him blush this time. He grabbed his Blackberry and started dialing.

–

Kyou frowned as the rabbit sighed. Again. For the third time. "What?" he demanded.

The rabbit pushed his dinner around on his plate, clearly moping. "I don't want to go back to work tomorrow."

The cat paused, brow furrowing. "You have a job?" It seemed he couldn't spend one hour with Momiji without finding out some new quirk or bit of information about him.

"Well, it's an internship that I'm doing to complete my degree. Like a trial by fire, you know? I just started and they weren't too happy when I told them I needed a few days off, but they understood it was a family emergency."

Kyou rubbed at his temple. "You idiot! I would have been fine by myself. You shouldn't have jeopardized your position!"

"I couldn't just leave you like that! You were all alone, and so helpless, and your fever was so high!" Momiji looked distressed at the thought. "Besides, everything can be fixed with a smile!"

The orange-haired man scowled. "Not everything can be fixed with a smile, brat," he said sourly. "Look, it's not that I don't appreciate what you did, but you can't forget about yourself."

Momiji pouted at the scolding, but a few moments later he was tapping his lips in an annoying, erratic rhythm with his chopsticks. "Ummm, Kyou-kun..."

"What?" the cat grated out. He wanted to rip those chopsticks out of the younger man's hands.

"I wanted to ask you something." The rabbit hesitated, fidgeting for a moment, before blurting out in a rush, "I share an apartment with Haru. Well, I mean, I did but, you know, I mean he moved out with Yuki a few months ago. Anyway, the lease is coming up this week but I'm not renewing it, but I just got so busy and I haven't found a new place yet. And I was just wondering if I could stay here with you. Only for a couple weeks until I can find another place, and I'll do chores and the cooking and everything!"

Kyou let the flood of words wash over him, taken aback by the request. He hadn't lived with anybody in years, not since he had left Shigure's house, and the prospect was daunting. He thought he would likely be driven mad by the rabbit's noise and antics if he agreed, but he still had that persistent, niggling sense of debt. The blonde was staring at him in anticipation while nibbling on the end of his chopsticks. Kyou sighed, realizing that it was an inevitability, and gave in to those sweet brown eyes. "All right. But just for a little while. Two weeks at most!"

"Oh, thank you, Kyou-kun! I promise I'll be good!"

Momiji was almost radiant with happiness and his smile seemed to brighten up the room. Kyou felt odd, almost like some sort of out-of-body experience was occurring, because there was no way that the rabbit could be smiling at _him_ like that; he had done nothing to deserve such a look. Besides, something about it just seemed to put butterflies in his stomach. "I'll sleep on the floor tonight." For some reason his voice was hoarse.

"But it's your house! You can't sleep on the floor!" Momiji protested. "We can share the futon. It will be just like a sleepover!" he added brightly. "Haru and I used to have them all the time."

"I don't doubt it," he grumbled. His heart hurt at the thought. "I'm taking the floor," he reiterated. He felt uncomfortable at the thought of being so close to another person for so long. "It's just for a night; we'll figure out something else tomorrow." The rabbit pouted but thankfully didn't argue.

Later, when Kyou was staring up at the ceiling in the dark, Momiji spoke. "Kyou-kun, are you awake?"

"What?"

"Thank you for letting me stay. It really does mean a lot to me."

The gratitude made the cat feel uncomfortable. "Go to sleep."

"Goodnight, Kyou-kun."

"'Night." It took the cat longer than usual to fall asleep, his mind filled with thoughts of how warm the rabbit had felt the night before.

–

Falling into a rhythm at work was easy as his body had been conditioned to it for years, but he was definitely weaker than before. He became winded easily and by the end of the day little tremors went through his body; his almost week long illness had taken its toll on him. He was so exhausted that he had completely forgotten that he even had a house guest when he returned home.

Delicious smells assaulted his senses as soon as he opened the door and his stomach rumbled. "I'm home."

"Oh, Kyou-kun, welcome home! Are you hungry? I'm sure you are because you always work so hard." The cat said nothing, his mind trying to catch up to this new lack of solitude. He set the bag of things he had bought at the convenience store on the counter and the rabbit immediately began rifling through it. "Instant meals?"

"I forgot you were here." The cat surveyed his domain, which had been taken over by stacks of boxes, a folded-up futon and a burst of bright stuffed animals.

"I hope you haven't been eating these often; they're not very good for you! I made some yummy stir fry."

It was then that Kyou noticed that Momiji was wearing a pink apron trimmed with white frills. On anyone else it would have looked absurd but somehow the rabbit always managed to pull it off. He was definitely cuter than any girl Kyou had ever seen. The thought made him blush and he turned away to hide it.

Dinner was filled with the rabbit's chatter; Kyou didn't know how the younger man could even enjoy his meal with so much talking. He listened to Momiji talk about all the people he worked with and all the inter-office gossip and everything he had done today and how Haru had helped him bring his stuff over.

Kyou was surprised by that. "Haru was here?"

"Mmhmm. Yuki too. They helped me move my things and they're keeping some of my bigger stuff, like for the kitchen."

The cat's hands tightened into fists. "Did they know I wasn't going to be here?"

"They asked but I told them you'd still be at work." Momiji cocked his head, brow furrowing. "They seemed kind of relieved about it. Did you guys fight again?"

Kyou stared at his plate. They had been in his apartment and he hadn't known. Suddenly he wasn't hungry any more.

"Kyou-kun, did I upset you? Was it something I said?"

The cat clenched and unclenched his fists. He wanted to lash out, to scream, to upend the table, to beat something until his knuckles were raw and red. Only the look on the rabbit's face—part compassion, part fear—helped to quell his rage. When it receded he was left with only pain. He stood, though he didn't know what to do with himself, when thin arms wrapped around him almost desperately tight; it took him by surprise. He looked down to see a mop of lightly-curled blond hair just below his chin.

"I'm so sorry, Kyou-kun."

The orange-haired man wasn't sure what to do as the younger man's warmth radiated into him. He felt drained, taxed, and so very, very tired. "It's nothing you did. I'm just..." The thought trailed off but Momiji didn't press him to finish it. He meant to do the dishes but the rabbit would hear nothing of it and the cat really was too exhausted to insist. Kyou would have apologized if he could figure out how to do it without sounding like a complete idiot.

They turned in early. Momiji set up his futon on the floor next to Kyou's bed. The cat had been drifting in and out of restless sleep when the rabbit murmured, "Kyou-kun, are you awake?"

"What?"

"I can't sleep. Could I sleep with you?" The cat felt like his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth and he thought maybe Momiji had taken his silence for 'no' but then the edge of the bed was dipping with weight. He caught the shine of light hair as the blonde climbed onto the bed; when the younger man began easing beneath the covers Kyou thought his heart would beat out of his chest. The rabbit never touched him and he had brought a large stuffed tiger with him which he placed between their bodies. Even so, the cat thought he felt so warm. "Is this okay?" Momiji whispered.

Kyou didn't trust himself to speak and only managed to choke out a sound of assent. He rolled to face the wall, pressing up tight against it, afraid of the reaction he was having.

"Goodnight, Kyou-kun," the rabbit whispered sweetly and within a minute his breath came deep and slow, and despite his nerves the cat followed soon after.

–

Kyou had never felt so paid attention to in all his life. Every day he came home to someone waiting for him with a smile and a home cooked meal and easy chatter. Every day a person was mindful of him and no one else for hours. It felt really nice. The days passed so quickly and he felt happier than he had in years.

Not that they didn't have their moments. Momiji would insist on something or pester Kyou until he snapped but even that the rabbit took in stride. One day the little blonde even brought home a hoodie jacket for him.

"What is this?" he had asked.

"I made it for you!"

"You what?" His fingers had moved over the soft material that had been shoved into his hands. His mind had been having trouble catching up with what was happening.

"Well, I wanted to give you something for letting me stay here, but I just didn't know what to do at first, but then I thought I should stick to my strengths! Well, I mentioned that I thought you needed something new to keep you warm, and I showed the girls at work your picture—they think you're so cute but that you should smile more!—and they helped me pick out the material. I told you my internship is at a fashion designer's, right? I guess I forgot. But they all thought you would look so good in it! Do you like it?"

He hadn't known what to say at the time. The hoodie was a chocolate brown and white plaid, and he didn't know anything about fashion but it looked nice to him. Momiji caught his glance at his worn old jacket from Shishou and instead of being hurt, had suggested that Kyou could wear the hoodie beneath it. "You'll be so much warmer that way!" Kyou had tried it on and it fit him well. Now he wore it every day.

The sleeping situation had grown interesting as well. It had progressed from a random stuffed animal wedged between them to eventually nothing at all. From there Momiji had moved to sleeping right next to him and then he began snuggling the cat as if he were a large stuffed animal himself, one arm wrapped around him. It scared Kyou and he knew he could have put a stop to it but he didn't want to. He liked to feel the rabbit breathing against him and the blonde always had a sweet scent.

They were out one evening, taking a stroll in a nearby park because Momiji insisted they just had to see an ice carving exhibit. Kyou rolled his eyes as the rabbit bounced from carving to carving, exclaiming how each one was the best he had ever seen. The cat had to admit that they were intriguing, each lit up by rainbows of light. There was a dolphin, a rose, the Tokyo Tower, a samurai, and many more. He had been studying one twice as tall as himself of a dragon when he realized his companion was missing. He turned to look for him, sure that something else had just caught his eye, when he saw them.

They were laughing, the taller cradling the shorter in his arms. The grey-haired one pushed a lock of hair out of the other man's eyes and received a kiss for his trouble. Kyou couldn't breathe; his heart hurt as if it were being ripped apart. All he could do was stare as Haru and Yuki kissed and nuzzled in front of a sculpture of a tiger.

For a while Kyou hadn't even thought of them. He had been so carefree around Momiji; the younger man had blinded him with his sunny disposition. He had lost himself when he shouldn't have. He should have held onto those old feelings like a lifeline because Momiji wasn't going to be around forever and once he was gone, what would be left? Better to feel pain than nothing at all, and now it hurt worse than ever. He was frozen like one of the ice carvings.

Suddenly he was plunged into darkness. Cold, small hands covered his eyes, a diminutive body pressed tight against his back. "Don't look, Kyou-kun," a soft voice whispered. "I know it hurts you."

He couldn't stand it. His heart was in his throat. "Get off," he choked out. All he wanted was to be left alone with his pain.

"I know that you care about them. I've always known that. It's always in your eyes." Momiji pressed himself closer. "It's okay to cry if you want to. I'm here for you."

"Shut up." The cat willed his heart to just stop, to stop beating so hard, to stop beating at all.

"I'm here for you, Kyou-kun." Warm breath hit the back of the older man's neck as the rabbit clung so tight to him, like he was afraid the cat would somehow disappear if he let go.

The emotion hit Kyou in a sudden, crippling flood. The tears of loneliness and frustration and longing began to fall and he burned with shame at his weakness; they seeped between the rabbit's fingers, wet and salty. The waves washed over him and as soon as he thought it was over another would hit him. Maybe if he cried enough his body would dry up and blow away on the wind.

When it finally stopped the cat pulled the hands away from his face and the blonde relaxed back from standing on tiptoe. Kyou turned and tried to avoid the wide-eyed concern on the rabbit's face; the younger man followed him, quiet for once, as he led the way home.

At the apartment Kyou stripped down to his boxers and slid into bed without a word. His eyes felt dry and his body ached. He closed his eyes as he felt Momiji's weight on the bed. The rabbit crawled to him and the cat felt the brush of lips against his cheek before Momiji curled against him to sleep.

He couldn't remember his dreams but he knew they were nothing he wanted to remember. He woke to soft brown eyes staring up at him. Immediately he was tense as a small hand moved over his chest; the rabbit was laying on top of him. Kyou could feel the younger man's morning wood pressed against his thigh and he knew his own was pressing into Momiji's belly. "You didn't sleep well," the rabbit murmured, fingers trailing down tanned skin. "Let me make you feel better."

The cat grabbed the offending hand before it could travel any farther and scrambled from the bed. He yanked his pants on as fast as possible, unsure what was happening. He had never been ashamed of his body but now he was feeling beyond self-conscious. His skin still tingled where fingers had brushed over it.

"I'm sorry, Kyou-kun. Please don't go." Momiji had sat up in bed, dressed in his ridiculous pink and white polka dot flannel pajamas. He looked near tears, brown eyes hurt.

Kyou couldn't bring himself to look at the man on the bed any more as he finished dressing. It would be easier not to confront it. It would be easier to just run away. "I have to go to work," he mumbled and then he fled.

But no matter what he did, all he could think of was Momiji. Things had been going so well that he hadn't even realized that his apartment had been invaded for over three weeks. It was too confusing, these highs and lows of emotion; it was so much easier when he kept to himself. He should never have let someone get so close because it only complicated things. He promised himself that he would do something about it.

–

Three days passed before he was really able to speak to Momiji. Even the rabbit had been more sedate and without any awkward conversation he had returned to sleeping in his own bed. Kyou started coming home later than usual and the inquisitive looks didn't escape him, but he was glad the rabbit didn't ask any questions.

They were just finishing a quiet dinner when Kyou said, "I need to show you something." He could tell the rabbit was brimming with curiosity but he did nothing to enlighten him.

They took a train ride down to Sendai after which Kyou led them to an apartment complex. The rabbit fidgeted as they rode the elevator to the twelfth floor and walked all the way to a flat labeled 1212. The cat unlocked the door, ushering the younger man inside. Momiji stared at the space uncertainly and then at Kyou. "I don't understand."

"Have a look around," the older man instructed.

Momiji nibbled at his lip as he did what he was told. The apartment was larger than most, at least three times bigger than Kyou's. The living room was spacious and the kitchen was made with beautiful wood and an island. The bedroom off the main space was large and had a walk-in closet, and the bathroom off it had a nice soaking tub and a shower. Everything seemed brand new and pristine. The rabbit bounced on the balls of his feet, still uncertain. "I don't understand."

"Do you like it?"

"Well, I mean, it's very nice, Kyou-kun, but I don't..."

The cat met sweet brown eyes, hands stuffed in his jacket pockets. "It's yours."

"Mine...?" the blonde asked, looking confused.

"I bought it for you," said the cat.

Momiji's eyes widened. "What?" he asked breathlessly. "But doesn't something like that take time, like signing contracts and stuff? When...?"

"I paid cash. Two jobs, remember?" Kyou shrugged. "Plus I worked on this place for almost a month. They cut me a fast deal."

"B-But, Kyou-kun, that's so expensive! I was just going to rent something!"

Kyou wanted to smile at Momiji's utter confusion but he had to clamp down on his emotions. It would only make it harder to let go if he kept up like this. "You only have an internship; you don't make enough money to rent something by yourself. This is a better solution."

"But it's so much money!" the rabbit fretted.

The cat growled. "Forget about the goddamn money! Do you like the place or not, you little brat."

"It's perfect," Momiji said softly. "Kyou-kun, it's not that I'm not grateful, but—"

"Good," the orange-haired man cut him off. "Then we can start moving you out tomorrow. I took the day off so we can get it done."

Momiji's brow furrowed and he looked distressed. "But I—"  
>"There's no reason for you to stay at my place any more," the cat said gruffly.<p>

"But that's not true!" The rabbit abruptly grabbed the cat's arm. "You should move in with me!"

Kyou frowned. "What?"

"There's more than enough room for the both of us! You can have the bedroom and everything. I promise I won't be in the way! Wasn't it fun being together?"

The orange-haired man scowled, yanking his arm away. "I bought this place for _you_. I have my own apartment."

"Please, Kyou-kun. I want to live with you," the younger man murmured.

"It's not working out," the cat bit out. "It's better if you move."

"But why!" Kyou flinched at Momiji's sudden outburst and was surprised to see tears in his eyes. "Is it because of what I did? I apologized for it; it won't happen again! _Please_..."

Kyou clenched his jaw. He had listened to enough. Why wouldn't the rabbit just accept his gift and move on? Why did he have to be raise any damn objections? He just wanted to go back to the way things were, to how uncomplicated it was. He didn't want to spend every waking moment thinking about sweet brown eyes or pretty golden hair. "Why the hell do you care!" Kyou snapped. "Why can't you just leave me the hell alone!"

"Because I love you!" Momiji cried out in anguish. The tears that had been brimming began to fall. "I've loved you for a long time, Kyou-kun. For such a long time. But after your papa died, you changed. You were so unhappy and it hurt me to see you like that, but you never let me near you. Sometimes I would walk by where you were working just to see you because that was enough if I knew you were okay. And then I was so overwhelmed when Haru asked me to check on you, and I was worried you would be upset that it was me instead of him, but you didn't seem to mind. I was so happy to see you even if you were sick—and I know that sounds terrible!—but I was just so happy to spend so much time with you. You never used to look at me and then there you were all the time, and it just felt so _good_, but then I got carried away because of Haru and Yuki. I just wanted you to only look at me so I did what I did! And I'm sorry that I messed everything up!"

Kyou stared in utter shock as the words spilled out of the younger man. Momiji was flushed from crying and the rush of his emotions, eyes red-rimmed. The cat had never even had the smallest inkling that the rabbit felt that way about him; he had always just thought the blonde was clingy and obnoxious. "I didn't know." He had no idea what else to say and the helpless statement only made Momiji cry harder.

And then it really hit Kyou: the rabbit had yearned for years after someone he thought was unattainable, just like the cat had. He had known pain and hope twined together, an awful feeling, just like Kyou had. He had probably cried from despair when he was alone and knew no one was watching.

The orange-haired man thought of coming home to a place that was bright and lively, of a sweet smile meant just for him. Of the silly conversations they had, and warmth in his bed at night. Most of all he thought of the lonely ache that ended when they were together. "Stop it," he commanded.

"I-I'm sorry, K-Kyou-kun," Momiji hiccuped. "I'm t-trying n-not to c-cry." He scrubbed at his eyes with his sleeve. "I j-just...just..."

"No," Kyou growled. "I mean stop being so damn beautiful." Brown eyes widened and the cat couldn't stop himself. He closed the gap between them and, tipping the rabbit's chin up, kissed him. The other man's pink lips were soft and he felt the petite body arch up into him. He tried to pull away but small hands had curled into his shirt, grasping desperately. In answer the cat held the rabbit's face between his hands; his tongue quested out and it was immediately granted entrance into the younger man's mouth and assaulted by a foreign tongue. It was so warm and wet and wonderful that Kyou forgot to breathe in the frenzy. When he broke away he gasped in air; he licked the saliva from his lips and tasted the salt of tears.

"Oh, Kyou-kun," Momiji said breathlessly. "Do you really feel that way about me?"

"I can't say..._those_ words yet." Kyou struggled to get his feelings out, annoyed at himself. "I don't want to lie to you, but I want to try. You and me, I mean. I really liked being with you." He felt as ineloquent as ever with those sweet, big brown eyes staring at him. "I guess we could start by living together. If you're still okay with that, I mean."

"I would love that more than anything in the world, Kyou-kun," Momiji murmured, burying his face against the cat's chest.

Kyou leaned down, breathing in the scent of the rabbit's hair. It felt so good and peaceful holding someone in his arms. It made him feel complete. He basked in the feeling for a moment before the logistics of such a thing began to niggle at him; he sighed in annoyance. "I guess we'll have to go shopping tomorrow on top of moving," the cat grumbled.

"Why?" Momiji asked, eyes like dark chocolate staring up at his love's face.

"Because," Kyou said with a lascivious chuckle, "we're definitely going to need a bigger bed."


	3. Epilogue

**EPILOGUE**

"Kyou-kun, what are you still doing down here? You should be getting ready!"

The cat looked up from placing a shinai back in its rightful place on the rack. "I'm cleaning up. What the hell am I supposed to be getting ready for?" He frowned. "And how many times do I have to tell you that 'kun' is completely inappropriate?"

Momiji ignored the last question. "How could you forget that Haru and Yuki are coming over for dinner tonight?"

Kyou's frown turned into a scowl. The rabbit had walked up to him and he studied his lover's small hands as they fidgeted with his black belt. His brown eyes were reproachful, his pink lips set in a petulant pout. As soon as the cat had moved into that first apartment with the blonde all those years ago, his fate had been sealed and he had become smitten, moreso each and every day. Momiji was everything he was not and kept him in balance with his lighthearted ways, and as time passed his inner wounds healed enough to become bearable. He also had his boyfriend to thank for motivating him to return to his passion and finally take over the dojo that Kazuma had left him.

And also to quit smoking. It was the first thing the rabbit had nearly nagged him to death about, he still remembered with fond annoyance.

He had completely forgotten that the rat and the ox would be coming over to celebrate Momiji's thirty-eighth birthday. He buried his face in his lover's hair, nuzzling into the honey-scented locks. "Who says I want to see those two assholes?" he growled.

"That's not very nice, Kyou-kun!" Momiji reprimanded. "Besides, it's not like you have anything better to do."

Kyou felt the edge of his gi slip from his shoulder as his belt loosened. He dragged in a deep breath of his lover's fragrance. "I can think of plenty of better things I'd rather do," he rumbled. His hips pressed forward in case the rabbit didn't get his drift.

The blonde arched in response. "Oh, Kyou-kun. You're so bad," he murmured. His hands fisted in the cat's gi and pulled until tan chest was exposed. Momiji brushed his lips over a light brown nipple. "So very, very bad."

The orange-haired man hissed as a tongue flicked over the sensitive nub. With a guttural grunt he hefted his naughty lover up by the backs of his thighs; the rabbit cried out in surprise, fingers digging into tan shoulders. "Look who's talking."

Momiji laughed at his lover's grumpy look. The cat was always so used to frowning but there were also laugh lines lightly etched into the skin around his eyes, and it warmed the rabbit's heart to know that he had put them there. He ran his fingers over those little wrinkles as they kissed for a moment, warm and sweet, tongues twining in a familiar dance. "You should put me down so you can get ready," he murmured, lips wet.

"No." Crimson eyes sparkled with lust. "I'm going to take what's mine." The rabbit began squirming, much to his annoyance. With another grunt he hefted the younger man up over his shoulder and headed to the stairs that led to their apartment above the dojo.

"Kyou, put me down! Haru and Yuki will be here soon!"

"Now you want to be serious about dropping the 'kun' off my name?" the cat growled. "I don't give a damn about Haru or Yuki. You're the one who got me riled up in the first place."

Momiji meant to protest more but the words died on his lips as a strong, broad hand moved over his rump and down to caress his manhood through his pants. His back arched and he gave a completely undignified high-pitched moan at the touch. Kyou laughed, that completely devious, lascivious, evil laugh, the one that made the rabbit's toes curl in excitement. The blonde went limp, melting against his lover as he gave in.

And when Kyou laid him on their bed and kissed him and touched him and made love to him, he forgot all about Haru and Yuki and how they would have to wait outside in the cold, because he was in the arms of his soulmate.


End file.
